Practicing Patience

I have been reading The Art of Happiness. Ok, well I've been skimming it mostly. I'm trying to find the part that pertains to me. I think I found it, it has to do with Patience. In the book the Dali Lama explains that we learn patience through suffering and through our enemies. We do not learn it when times are good, and our friends do not challenge us in this area.

I have a problem with patience. When I make a decision...I'm ready to just get moving. Once I've made a decision about something to do...I want to DO it! I don't really want to wait around and think about it...Thinking comes before the decision. Once you have made it, it is time for action. How exactly does this pertain to my current situation...Why is my patience being tested now?

Well, now that my husband has decided to move out...I want him to pack up all his stuff. I am ready to see some action. I want to see the space where his things are open up! He's going to wait until the last minute, I know it, and I have to let him do it in his own time. I have to be patient. This is not all about me...There are other people involved in this. I have to allow everyone to move at their own pace.

Now that I am no longer intimate with my husband...I am ready to pursue a sexual relationship. I miss being touched, being held, kissed...made love to. Of course I am not single, I am still married and I have to respect myself, my marriage and my husband. I have to be patient. I am ready to start my new life..I'm ready to see what my new normal is going to be. I've made the decision to start a new life...I am ready for it. BUT, it is not time...there are still things that need to be done. I must be patient.

There are days...I just want to scream! Why can't I just close my eyes and find everything has moved forward when I open them. It's time to practice patience, and sometimes, it just physically hurts. There are days I am actually sick to my stomach when I really look at what is happening right now...but I am learning. This is how it must be. I must learn to be patient. In the end, I will be a stronger person. Not only am I learning something, but I am teaching my children as well. For that I need to step back and allow time to move as it is intended....

"The key to patience are Acceptance and Faith. Accept things as they are, and look realistically at the world around you. Have faith in yourself and the direction you have chosen."
Ralph Marston

Acceptance, Hope and some Faith

~ You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you have to give. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

The biggest part about moving forward with a decision that will make a significant life change is learning to accept what is. I have to accept the decision I made, which came by accepting what was really going on in my life, and what I really wanted and needed, as well as what I was giving. I had to accept the truth about the way I felt, why I felt it, and what making such a big decision was going to mean.

So many of us have a problem with acceptance. I will admit that I have struggled with it myself. Why can't I have this?...Why can't things be better? Why can't you be the person I need you to be? Why can't I just be happy with the way things are? Does acceptance mean I have to like something the way it is? No, it just means that I have to acknowledge it is the way it is, and then make a choice how am I going to handle it. I do not like the fact that eating certain foods is going to make me fat...but, if I am unwilling to accept that fact, then fat I will be...

In the beginning...I seemed to fall into acceptance relatively easily. Making a decision like this was like lifting a weight off my soul...I knew this was the right decision, and I knew I was making it for the right reasons. However, what I have no control over, is other peoples acceptance, or lake there of. Another major part of this...is accepting the choices that other people make, that they feel is right for them. It's tough. Especially when you don't like the choice, or if they don't like yours.

I have to accept the choice that I have made. I have to accept that my life is about to be completely upturned. I have to accept that some people just don't understand. I have to accept that I have hurt some people. I have to accept that am hurting too. I have to accept that not all things are going to go the way I hope they will...but sometimes they will.

What I have is Hope...and some Faith. I have faith that although my heart is broken in a million pieces right now...one day, those pieces are going to start to put themselves back together. I have hope for a better life...For happier days and the love I finally feel I deserve.

Today I will practice acceptance....I will hold on to hope, and I will have faith. Faith that things are moving in the direction that I need...that I will come out of this a much happier person. In keeping with that, I came across this quote the other day...Wow, sometimes it's amazing to find I am not alone...

“There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:
This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.
When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.” Stacey Charter

Merry Christmas

My wish for all of you is a wonderful magical holiday with the one's you love.

Thank you to all those who have stuck it out with me during this crazy time. I appreciate every single kind word...and I am grateful for each little cyber hug.

Dawn

Is it betrayal...and who's is it?

Part two of my full disclosure post...Hopefully I can wrap this up in one finally post.

Blogging became all consuming for me. Every where I would turn would be another great blog to read...There were cooking blogs, crafting blogs, parenting blogs...Blogs about improving your life, funny blogs, sad blogs. I couldn't get enough. I would read every day, blog after blog...My husband HATED it....why would I want to do that?? Why would I care to comment about someone? He just couldn't wrap his brain around it...not that I was shocked. To me, it was no different than if I was reading book after book..would you have a problem if I was sitting here reading a book. Yes, yes he would. Well, I couldn't figure that one out. He sat on his computer, Ebay and what not...he wasn't much of a talker...so, what, I gotta sit here, and do nothing??

It died down after a while. I found my favorites, and stopped spending so much time reading about other peoples lives. This is pretty typical of me...I get all excited about something, and when the novelty wears off...I find my niche, and things get more acceptable. Too bad my husband hasn't grasped this...learned to just ride the wave of my craziness...Things would have been better had he had a little more compassion and understanding of ME, like he wanted me to have for him.

During the last year, I joined Facebook. I can already hear the woes, the Oh no, the Facebook is evil thoughts running through some of your minds. I do not think Facebook is evil...I think people make choices...It's up to them to decide if they are right or not. For me, Facebook has been a way to reconnect with people I never thought I would again...Chatting with long lost friends who are across the county, some across the sea. It makes the world a smaller place when you see how many mutual friends you have..and I laugh all the time when I get the "how do you know THAT person??" It's been a lot of fun! And YES, I did reconnect with an old boyfriend or two...BUT, I did not seek them out, they came by completely accidentally, friends of friends that linked us though crazy circumstances. It was fun to see people I haven't seen in 20 or more years. Where once was a teenage boy, is now a man, a father, a husband...a girl of 10, now a mother of 4! It's funny how you see yourself grow over the years, but seeing someone you haven't seen since you were a teenager, just makes you feel young again.

One of these old boyfriends became my chat buddy. We would talk on yahoo every now and again...Catching up on life, kids, work...just normal everyday chatter...A nice break, from a lonely existence. Now, I didn't tell my husband. NOT because I was though I was doing anything wrong...It all goes back to what he finds acceptable, and what I find acceptable. It goes to my wanting to have something for myself, AND not cause conflict with my husband. Well, I left my computer on one day when I left (see I must not have been trying to hide) and he saw said boyfriend on my yahoo chat list. He was mad. I told him sorry, just talking. See, to me, I just don't have any problems talking to an old boyfriend, or any old friend. I don't really distinguish the difference between men and women, except that sometimes women come with more drama. I've always had an easier time being friends with guys...and my husband knew that when he met me...

To my husband, if you are married...you should not talk to, or be seen with a person of the opposite sex. ESPECIALLY if you once had a realationship with that person. I don't agree. Now, it's not like I spend my days making lunch dates with other men...but, I wouldn't see any difference between having lunch with either sex. I just don't see things like that. Maybe its a guy thing...maybe it's just my husband. If the "date" is in a public place...then what's the big deal.

Anyway...I put that incident behind me...Working and believing still that my marriage was on track to bliss, and doing what ever I could to make things better all around. That included taking charge of our sex life, which was better than even when we first met. At least, that is what I thought. Until, one night, one wrong move on my part, caused a bad feeling in my husband. Thats when all those good feelings in me changed.

After that night...things were just not the same for me. Mentally, I checked out of my marriage, but I did not admit that, not to myself, or my husband. We did counseling, learned that HE was not purposely withholding his affection..it wasn't his fault, he was tyring the best he could...I wanted desperately to make everything go back to before that night...I thought we were the happiest we had ever been...I believed with every inch of my heart and soul that we were going to be better than ever before! The only problem with that was, he didn't feel the same way. He was still having problems with me, the way I conducted myself. Keeping him from my Facebook account...talking to other men...Not being truthful!! I was!! I was being truthful...I was doing the best I could, but no matter what, it all boiled down to HIM and HIS feelings and that everything I was doing was in complete contrast to what I said I wanted, which was to work on my marriage.

After months of counseling...I finally had to admit to myself, that I was done. I just didn't want to live this life with this man anymore. Not because I was right, not because he was wrong, not because either of us is good or bad. We just are NOT going to be able to see eye to eye on things that will forever put a wedge between us. I cannot talk to my husband, he is incapable of understanding how I feel. There is no way, that I can see, that he is ever going to be able to accept me just the way that I am...faults, flakiness and all.

For me, it simply comes down to this...If you want me to be open and honest with you, then you need to be a comfortable place for me to open up. I tried to be honest with my husband...for many many years. I have always told him what I needed from him, what I needed for myself. I never ever held back those things. I really didn't think I was wrong, keeping things to myself, that I knew would bother him, when I didn't think they should have. THAT is the reason for our breakdown. We see the world different...and we have never been able to find a way to blend those two views together. Hopefully, we've learned how NOT to do that in the future.

Now...one final admittance. I have been in contact with another old boyfriend. Let me just say...20 years ago, I was only 19...just a child. So the relationships from back then were so innocent compared to relationships we have as an adult. Anyway. Although I haven't longed for this person for the last 20 years...he was the boy who broke my heart...the one I regret, the one I think...'if only I had done something differently'. Just seeing his name, brought up all that regret. We talked...we talked a little about what happened back then. We talked a little about what has happened since those days....

The last time I saw this person, he was very very angry with me. I reached out for him, and he turned and walked away...THAT is the very last image I have of him....20 years. He told me his side of things, and I told him mine. Then I told him I wanted to see him, face to face, meet me out for lunch so I could finally close this chapter, and replace the image of the boy I lost then, with the man he has become. He did not want that. I have to close that chapter on my own, knowing that, although he does not hate me, he does not want to see me either. Truthfully, it hurts. I'm not looking to start something with him, I just wanted to finish something that was left undone many many years ago. I emailed him, told him it was hard to walk away...20 years is a long time to have that image in my head. I am sick to my stomach about the whole situation...I never meant to cause anyone any pain or grief...I just wanted to seize the opportunity to finally close that door, for good.

My husband found the email. I am accused of having an emotional affair. Maybe, I guess, that is what I have done. I did not seek any person out for anything. I came to be reconnected with people from my past...I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it a lot. Good timing?? Probably not. Do I regret what I have done? NO. Do I regret the pain it has caused my husband? Yes...I try to explain, but I don't know if he will ever truly understand.

I don't really care whether anyone thinks the things I've done are right or not. I know my husband doesn't' think they are...and maybe, I agree with some of it. I didn't seek to ruin my marriage. For years I was the one who championed for it...gave it my all, sacrificed parts of myself for the life I thought I wanted. I'm done. I don't think he sees me through anything but doubt and suspicion...I make no apologies for trying to hang on to a little of myself right now..To finding a small spot of joy, in a time filled with pain and sorrow. I am the one who has to live with the choices that I have made, and the ones that I will make in the future. I am hurting. I am in agony most days. Sometimes I can fake it, sometimes I can't.

I am just trying to do the best I can...to come out in one piece in the end...

Full disclosure...Truth, Lies and Betrayal

This is going to get long...I apologize in advance!

During our counseling sessions, we had a chance to learn a lot about how our conflicting personalities have interfered with our being able to fully grow as a couple. I'm going to do my best to explain it the way the counselor did.

Me: I am a free spirit. I am wild and abandon. I like to throw caution to the wind, leap before looking...you know the type. I can be, at times a little flaky, I'm passionate, I caring, forgiving, forgetful, loving and supportive. I want my loved ones to be happy, and I am willing to do whatever I can to make that happen. I can be a force to be reckoned with...but I am also gentle as a kitten.

My husband: Introvert. Predictable. Hardworking. He is the go to guy...if you need it done he knows how to do it. He's a jack of all trades, the fixer, the stable, focused keep my eyes on the road kind of guy. He does what he thinks is right, tells you like it is, content to be where he is.

We have communication problems. Have for years. NOT because we can't talk to each other, but because we never really knew HOW to talk to each other...Let me give it to you the way the counselor did. When I tell my husband something that I want to do, he gets scared, throws up his defenses, which makes me withdraw and that's the end of the conversation. Here's an example...Me: "I want to join the circus." Him: "What! Are you crazy?? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!! Why would you want to do something like that??" Me: "I thought it would be fun!". Ok...so THAT would be the conversation....but it would NOT be the end of the situation. I would, not lose my desire to join the circus...but I would certainly stop sharing that desire with my husband.

I thought I was doing the right thing. For him, and for me. Apparently I was not. What happens, is he finds out I've been researching the circus, finding other people who are also in the circus...trying to get as much information as I can to make a decision about whether or not I really do want to join the circus. He feels this is withholding information...he feels this is an act of betrayal. Why would I keep this information from him...why would I want to continue to pursue something like this without telling him??? Um, well, cause you didn't like it, and I did.

WE have gone around and around and around about this...Who is right...who is wrong. Was I wrong to want to pursue something that I would enjoy, or that would make me grow as a person. Was he wrong to think because I didn't drop the idea, I was betraying him??? The counselor said, what I should have done, was to keep talking to him about the circus. Tell him what I found, what I was looking for...Keep him in the loop. This way, as time wore on, his defenses would lower, and he would understand more about me, my desires and how it would fit for the two of us.

Intellectually, I get that....It makes perfect sense. Emotionally, I can't wrap myself around it. If you love me...and my happiness is important to you, then when I tell you I want to do something then you should be supportive! Right. Isn't THAT what makes a truly loving couple? Did I miss something?? I would NEVER have even thought to tell my husband something he wanted was stupid. Ok, well I did tell him the fishing shows he used to watch were stupid...and I did groan every Sunday when he would turn them on...BUT, I never thought he was betraying me, because he still wanted to enjoy them. Of course, he didn't hide the fact he was watching them, but really, how could you???

After becoming a Mom...a stay at home mom, the isolation started to get to me. I didn't have any friends that had small kids...We didn't have a lot of money, and I needed to get out. So I got a job. It was nice to be out of the house...it was nice to be just ME, not the mom, not the wife. Me, and people liked me...we had lunch together, smoke breaks...It was just what I needed. (Many years later, my husband admitted to me, that I was my happiest, when I was working.) I did that for a couple of years. Then, my husbands work started laying off...no more afternoon shift meant I was going to have to quit my job, or work for $3 an hour. I quit, and I stayed home for 8 years. Worse mistake of my life, I think.

During those 8 years, I tried desperately to carve out a little bit of Me. Over and over I failed...many times I would break down. I suffered depression, went on some pills. Ugh, I had one week where I was euphoric...OMG, I never realized that life could actually be this wonderful. Unfortunately, after that week, it was over...I took myself off the pills, and begged for counseling. BEST move of my life. I learned a lot about myself, and I learned to not be so angry, not take things so personally...I really started to grow, stopped taking responsibility for OTHER peoples actions and started taking responsibility for my OWN.

My sessions fluctuated between my marriage, and my relationship with my parents. I am forever grateful for having had that time to explore MY feelings...It made me a better person, but it didn't really CHANGE me...if that makes sense, and it didn't change the way my husband reacted to me. Although, I learned not to take his reactions personally all the time, I still didn't feel like I could share myself completely, without causing to much conflict. I did not realize how much that would hurt us in the end. I did the best that I knew how...I didn't want to cause him pain, but I didn't want to stifle myself either.

Let's get down to the nitty gritty of this past year or so. I still do not know how to find balance between appeasing my husband, and allowing myself the freedom to grow. One night, I went out with a friend for drinks...both of us, having a little trouble in our relationships...began to talk of past relationships. I started thinking of all those that "got away"...I looked one of those on Classmates. I sent an email...something to the effect of "do you remember me? we were 16, one summer romance. Do you remember?" Well, my husband found that email. Came into my room, woke me from sleeping to ask me "what would you do if I had emailed someone??" "how would YOU feel??" Ugh, that was the start, of the downward spiral.

I wasn't looking to reignite any long lost romance...For me, it was just a simple thought, and all I had hoped was that he would respond and say "yes, I remember you, how have you been?" I didn't really think beyond that point...He never did respond, but it has been the catalyst to the destruction of my marriage. Soon after that, my husband found my vibrator, and a couple of xrated videos...Again, something I didn't tell him about, and nothing I'm going into great detail here. Why didn't I tell him about them?? Well, in short, he's just not into that sort of thing. I don't force him to, and so, I felt I was perfectly within my rights as a person, to indulge in a little "alone time" as I saw fit. He did NOT see it the same way.

So, for the record...things went even further south...What else could I be hiding...17 years and he didn't even know who I was...He went looking, found my journals, read journals. Well he says he didn't read much...something about it being mostly my mother. BUT, he did happen to come across and entry, where I mentioned having an erotic dream, about a co-worker. Even worse, I explored my own feelings about that dream...and fantasized about said co-worker. WELL!! I don't even think I need to go into any explanation about how he felt about that.

My defense...I'm lonely...How many times have I asked you to show me some affection? Your response, "I don't know how to do that!!! This is who I am!!! I can't change!!!". So, did you really think I would just give up the need for that affection?? I did my best to be OK with NOT getting what I needed from you, and still love you, but find a way to fill that void, that wasn't actually having an affair with someone else. I dove into fantasy...THAT is where I felt alive, desired, wanted, needed...and loved. I wasn't getting it from the outside, so I had to get it from myself.

It was BAD...oh it was bad....for weeks it was bad...Then, I thought, you know what. It's all out there...he knows how I've been feeling, he knows how it has affected me and our relationship...There are no more 'secrets' things are FINALLY going to be the best they have ever been. I came out of it...feeling confident that we were going to make it, and be the happiest we had ever been. I started a blog, told him about it, cause I didn't want him to think I was going to keep things from him anymore.

I thought that was the beginning of something wonderful for the two of us. I was WRONG. I was very very wrong. But, I wouldn't find that out, until much later.

This is getting longer than I even anticipated...so I will continue it another day

Remembering Why...

There are times...I think I am a complete idiot. Look at the life I'm giving up. This is the life a lot of people dream about. I have been able to stay home with my children, my husband has a good paying job, he doesn't drink (much) doesn't gamble or go out...I have a nice home, two dogs, a pool...blah blah blah...What kind of a person gives all of that up...on a chance??

I sometimes feel guilty. Sometimes, when I look around, and there is a smidge of 'normal' I think that I am making a really big mistake. Sometimes, I think I should just stop all of this...take it back, beg forgiveness....Stop being so selfish...

Then...I am reminded. This was NOT an easy decision to make. It has been even harder to stand firm and follow through. Weak moments are a part of any difficult decision. Would it be easier for me to give in to the guilt? Should I have spent more time trying to be ok with 17 years of not feeling important? Did I give up too soon? Am I quitting?

Today, I was reminded of what got me to this place. I remembered what it felt like to told the things you do, or want...are wrong, or stupid. To not be given a second thought, or asked "what can I do for You?" Some of the things, may be small, or seem petty...until you put them into a lifetime...And even worse, knowing it will more than likely never change. I just want to be important to someone...I just want to know I matter...I don't want to beg for those things that make a loving couple. If I tell you I need you...I want you to come. I want you to WANT to come, to do whatever is needed to help me. Is that so wrong??

I wonder if I need to make a list...Something I can pull out next time I feel like my faith in myself is wavering...Maybe I need a tape recording...something to pull me back to the moment I realized what I needed to do. A reminder that I am important enough to have the kind of love that makes me feel safe...wanted...accepted...LOVED.

This is temporary...I know that.


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Time to take care of buisness...

Today was the first time my husband and I sat with the lawyer to discuss the specifics of our impending divorce. It's a bit surreal...there was actually one point, that I couldn't believe this was happening...I mean really, is any of this real?

We are pretty much on agreement...but stuff has to be specified for legal matters. The only problem, was alimony. It's a really tough subject to discuss...and there was a point I started to cry (I'm soooo tired of doing that). He feels that, I am capable of making enough money...Although my job is minimal, I'm capable of making more money. I agree...but then I don't. First the job market pretty much sucks...Second, there is no one here to cover me, so I can't just come and go whenever I please...Third, I've spent nearly 13 years taking care of my family, instead of making myself better for the job market.

What is that worth? Maybe, somewhere along the line, I should have gone back to school...Maybe, I could have made the Mary Kay thing work better...Maybe I could have done a lot of things, that would have made my current situation a little more lucrative, put me in a better place...Instead, I took care of my babies...who grew into smart kids in the gifted education program, I made sure we had plenty of food on the table, even if it wasn't always what you wanted to eat. I took care of the house, telemarketers, bills, subscriptions and every other thing that crossed our doorway. I planned the parties, mailed the birthday cards and gifts, and did most of the Christmas shopping...for both sides of the family. I put myself aside, to make sure my husband could do what he thought was right for work...be here when my kids were sick, or they just needed me....In all that time I grew as a mother and as a person...but not necessarily as an employee.

So...details details details. I would like to hire a stand in to come and take over for me. Someone who won't cry when they think about all they've done, and how little it seems to matter. Someone who will put down her foot, and make a decision, that is in My best interest. Maybe someone who doesn't' feel guilty for giving up on 17 years of life together...Someone who can make those decisions, and let me just hide behind the scenes. I'll let you know if I find someone...in the mean time, I'll keep doing my best.

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Starting my new path...

On my way...new life, new responsibilities...new journey. One of my goals is be ensure that I can keep my kids in their home for now...until they are ready to move on. I set an original deadline of one year. To do what ever it takes, to make sure that for the next year, we don't have to worry or think about changing that part of their lives. The end of next year, we will all reassess the situation and determine the best course of action.

In an effort to ensure this, I needed to get a job. I did!! Now, I'm going to admit...it's not ideal for my current situation...I'm only ensured about 15 hours a week...and its only paying $8 an hour. I was hoping for 25/$12, but that didn't happen. Believing that all things happen for a reason, and I am on a particular course in my life, I took the job. I'm actually very excited, and can already see the future potential of this new career path.

Just before my life took this dramatic turn, I had decided I was going to school...Finally at 39 year old, deciding that I wanted a career in the Fitness and Nutrition field. Wow...how exciting..finally doing something for me...for my future. Had I not procrastinated getting myself enrolled over the summer...I would have already started some of my academic courses. Alas, two days after making the appointment to talk to a counselor at the local Junior college...Things changed.

The job is at a local fitness center. During my interview I expressed how I had made that decision, and that I planned on continuing with that goal, as soon as I got my footing back. I get free membership...and I am very much looking forward to getting back into yoga...That will be the first class I sign up for!! I'm looking forward to "doing" something...being financially productive, contributing to my life. I'm not knocking the whole SAHM thing...but after nearly 13 years...I'm ready!! I also like that there is a uniform...so no having to go out and buy a "professional" wardrobe. Sometimes, it's the little things that make me the happiest.

Training starts next week...Ahhh...I feel a slight weight lifting off of my chest. I'm second in line for any full time position that comes up in this department...which tells me, again, I'm making the right move. The hours are prefect...10a-5pm. Which means I can get my kids off to school...clean up, do a load of laundry, get some dinner prep done, pack a lunch...and head out the door. It also means that I'm only missing the dramatic after school time, and not dinner or bedtime. A small part of me worries, just a tad, about my kids being home alone for even that small amount of time...but I know they will be fine...They will flourish!
So..first step into my new life...and it's a good one.

Next up...the business of divorce. Mediation...breaking down our lives into $$ and stuff. Ugh. I will go into this meeting with high hopes of cooperation and open mindedness. I only hope I come out the same way!!

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Reflecting on the last year...

"One of the greatest moments in anybody's developing experience is when he no longer tries to hide from himself but determines to get acquainted with himself as he really is. " Norman Vincent Peale

Last night...I decided to take a look back through my blog. If someone was going to be looking into my past, I should reacquaint myself with what I have been writing. Wow...wow. I tried to tell myself that there was a lot of positive stuff on here. Yes, it's been a rough crazy year for me, but overall, I've remained rather positive and uplifting...Well, at least I thought I had.

I knew this year was bad. Reading back over the last 12 months, I didn't realize how much it was really affecting me. I kinda laughed...kinda felt sad, I might have even cried just a little. It's not like I should be shocked...I've been living it. The pain of the last year has resulted in the end of my marriage...as life as I know it. However, I really thought I was on top of it, handling it...staying "positive". I now realize that I have not.

Go back another year...much more positive. There was one friend I had, that was very much into journaling...She started somewhere in grade school I believe. I told her once, many many years ago, that I only seemed to write when things were bad...never when things were good, or when I was happy. She told me it didn't matter...as long as I was writing. Ugh. It's all so depressing. I took up journaling again just after having my son. Those times were rough too. When I read back...all sooo damn depressing. There were times I tried to focus on the positive stuff...taking the advice of 'experts', practicing gratitude and what not. Didn't last long...if I was writing...it was cause I was hurting and it was always bad.

It is the end of 2009. It is the end of a lot of things for me. The new year brings a new life, new hope, new opportunities for me. I'm not sure if I am going to continue to blog...I'm not sure if I do, where I will take it. One thing for sure is that I need to focus on where it is that I want to go, not where I have been. I can't just fake being positive...I have to live it. There are a lot of wonderful places to go to find inspiration...and maybe I can bring a little of that here too.


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Just what was I thinking....

Picture found here.

I did something crazy. Something I swore I wasn't going to do...well swore to myself anyway. I actually invited someone to visit my blog!!! What on earth was I thinking...It's not like I'm ashamed or anything, I'm not. Truthfully, the only person I know that reads this thing regularly is my husband...and I told him in an effort to show him that I was not hiding everything from him...but that's not what this is about.

When I started this thing...I really thought it would be a way to connect with my loved ones...Then I realized it was a great way for me to express myself in honest and true ways that the people in my life just aren't able to accept. It was liberating and I loved being able to open myself up and connect with other people that understood, or at least felt some kind of connection with what I was going through. I express myself the way I wanted to...and say those things that I couldn't say out loud.

So I did it...and they visited. Now I feel naked...vulnerable. It's kind of like when a superhero reveals their secret identity. On the outside I can be strong...I can show you what I want to show you...Bury the pain down deep and be the person I want to be. However...here, I've let myself express all that pain...and now, someone else has seen through my tough exterior. So, why did I do it??? I don't know...Maybe I just wanted someone to know my struggles. Maybe I wanted to get a second opinion from someone who, I hope, would be honest with me. Maybe it's just nice to say, hey, here I am...

Of course...I don't share Everything here. I do keep somethings for myself. So don't go thinking you have me completely figured out...cause there are many layers...but I'm happy to be able to share a few of them...

Emotions, trying to get a handle on them.

A swirling vortex of emotion...That's how it feels. I would like to step off...but I don't think I'm supposed to. There is a lot of things I'm feeling right now, some good, some bad, some well...unexpected. I'm trying to be present with each and every emotion, but the truth is...it's exhausting. I'm tired of crying...I'm tried of feeling bad. I guess it could be worse, I'm lucky that my husband and I are cooperating, and we both know that this is what we need to do. At least, I think we both believe that.

My emotions are raw. Yesterday we found out that the my husbands offer had been accepted on a townhouse. It's good news...it's a great place in a great location. The kids like it and it's affordable. BUT, it kind of makes this situation a little more REAL. We both acknowledged that yesterday. He's worried about stuff...typical. I don't worry, I either do or I don't...there is no room for worry. Everything is going to work out, I know it. I can't, however, make him believe it. Worry is his nature....and it's too much for me.

I am hurting...None of this is not easy for me. I'm giving up on the future I was counting on...The promise we made to each other 17 years ago...The promise I made to my children. Ok, so it's painful...so was childbirth, but I got through it, and came out with two beautiful children. Pain is a part of life...pain is what helps up become stronger, and learn to appreciate those better times even more. I get that...really...but geez...can I a little break. Can I find the handle on my emotions and take a little control. Days like today make me feel like I'm not getting better...I sit, on the verge of tears, begging myself to snap out of it. This is a necessary part of healing...right.

Today I just feel lost. I'm waiting for a call, an interview for a job I really want. Waiting. I'm waiting for the next phase of my divorce. Waiting. I'm waiting for this pain to ease up and let some love in. I miss being held...I miss being kissed...I miss making love. I'm waiting. Waiting until I can move forward...

I'm learning a lot about myself. Maybe others are learning a little about me too. I swear...one day real soon, I'm going to post something really happy!!