Sometimes I am just confused

I have so much to say. So much going on right now, I just don't know where to begin. Truth is I'm getting tired of writing about my sad feelings...I don't really feel sad that often. Things for me right now are going pretty good. I feel good, things are moving ahead in a relatively smooth manner...So why do I feel so lost for clear thought.

Sunday is my birthday. The Big 40! Woo Hoo. Over the years, we have never really done parties for my birthday. Although, I always felt special...my husband was always good about spoiling me with stuff...This year, I put together my own thing. Last night I spent the evening with some friends...drinking, eating and laughing. I had a good time. Sunday, will be spent being loved and spoiled by my kids...just as it should be.

So far, the divorce should be final on Wednesday. I know...it's been quick. Most people go through divorce for what seems like an eternity. We just don't have anything to fight about. The other night I spoke with a friend who just finished up her divorce. We talked about being in court that final day. She said she was surprised how little emotion she had that day...she was finally over the sadness. Me, I think I will cry. I still cry. I'm still sad that this had to happen. I'm sad we couldn't make it work...I really never ever thought I would be in this position...and although I know it is right, it still hurts.

Sometimes, when I sit quietly, and think about what I want...My mind just goes in too many directions. Going through this life change is about being true to myself, allowing myself the freedom to be who I truly am...About being able to share my life with someone who can accept and love me for being me. It's about following my heart and having faith in myself and in what life has in store for me...

I have many times, had a feeling about a situation. Maybe a bit of an intuition for what was in store for me. Sometimes I would laugh it off, but over and over I have found that those feelings have been right on...and as time goes by, I have learned to trust those feelings. For example, when we bought our first house I knew we'd be there 5 years, the second was 10...this one, the number that came to mind was 7. I was right the first two were right on...so time will tell with the last. I've known since I was in grade school, that I would have one boy and one girl...just like that. Surprise, I was right there too. I know, it's kind of spooky. However, I've never been good with matters of the heart.

Right now, I just can't even figure my own heart out. I ache for things I cannot have...I long for things I that others have...and I can't seem to let go of thoughts and people that I need to. Lately, it's been making me a little crazy. Just when I think I've grown out of something, accepted and moved forward...a quiet moment brings it all back, and my heart aches again.

Sometimes, I just feel sorry for myself which I know is a completely useless thing to do. Unfortunately, I can't seem to get past this hurt feeling. I don't know how to work through it. I want to believe, that I deserve that great love...the love that I have always wanted. It's not the fairytale fantasy movie kind of love...but it's still real. I have seen other people have it...I know it exists, but it has always been something that just slips through my fingers. Aw hell, I don't even know if it's been close enough to touch...

I have accepted that I am on the right path. I have accepted that things will work out just as they are intended, and that I need to keep my mind focused on the positive aspects of everything that is going on around me. That is not a problem....but LOVE....that one is just a mystery to me. I just don't understand what it is about me...unworthy of the kind of love worth fighting for. Is it me? Is it the choices I make? Is is a reoccurring lesson I just refuse to learn that keeps true love just out of my reach....

I don't know...but it hurts. I'm tired of hurting...and I know it is within my power to make it stop. Somehow, I have only been capable of pushing it back...Without learning to finally let go of the pain of the past, the story that once was, I will not be able to be open to what I truly desire. I have created my own new love mantra...The pure and passionate love that I desire is on the way and I am open to receiving it. Now it's time to put the rest of it away for good.