Don't Blink...things change to quickly.

Well...let me just say, I'm in a little different place than I was the last time I wrote. Something tells me I should write more often...

Lately I've been feeling much more peaceful with myself,and my current situation. Came to the realization that I haven't spent too much time during my adult life putting myself, my needs, my dreams on the top of the list...Actually, I haven't really been on any list..not mine, not my ex husbands...and not on my friends or families. THAT has got to change. If I can't put myself on the list...I can't expect other people to...and I should be on the TOP of it...not somewhere in the middle.

Over the last couple of weeks...I've felt myself growing out of this 'fun' stage of being single. Lately I've stopped looking at every good looking man I see as a potential 'hook up' or quickie. Up until this weekend I hadn't really tested out my new found maturity... Friday, I went out with a girlfriend of mine to a new bar...a country bar. That's pretty funny, cause country ranks lower than rap on my music scale... However, I was in desperate need of something new!

It was a blast. Watching them line dance to Thriller and Funky Cold Medina was a laugh riot! Eventually we got our butts on the dance floor and just let loose. What I realized was that I didn't spend my night scaling the crowd...looking for someone to make me feel good. I was feeling good all on my own. When guys came up to 'dance' I just turned away, or told them, I'm here to dance with my friend. Towards the end, there was one that came up to me...All young, firm and totally cute...I indulged a little bit, I will admit. He said he wanted to go somewhere private...and I told him, NO. I said, "this is where I have to say goodbye" He said "are you really sending me away?" and I said YES. Then got back out on the dance floor to finish out the evening.

I was so proud of myself. Then Saturday, Sweetest Day...Two heartbreaking decisions were made. One by me...and one by someone else.

First me...

I have decided that I can no longer care for both my dogs. The young one, the ex's dog, has been a tremendous source of stress for me. She barks constantly, digs, steals food, fights with the other dog...ALL THE TIME. Then she developed issues with her knees. Shes' in pain...she is going to have to have surgery...and I can neither afford it, nor do I have the time to properly care for her. Making a decision like this is devastating...I don't like to 'give up'...but I know, I need to do this...for my own sanity, and for her well being. The ex understands, but per usual, I'm the one who has to do the tough stuff...I made the call to a no kill shelter who will take her next week and put her up for adoption. I will tell the kids, because I am just better at it...and I will be the one taking her in and dropping her off...crying my eyes out. Making the decision was 1/2 the battle...following through next week will be the hardest.

Next....

I posted about having feelings for someone. Someone who touched my heart, and woke me up. Someone I knew very well, was never going to be mine. Well, he has since found someone more appropriate for him...I am happy for him...He is a sweet sweet boy(he is 25) and deserves to have a special girl. He said he is happy and sad...but that he wants to be exclusive to this girl. THIS is one of the reasons I think he is so special. So I said I was so very glad to have had him in my life...that he will never know how he touched my heart...and I said goodbye... My heart breaks, but I knew this day would come. I am, and always will be, grateful to have had time with him.

There have now been two men that have opened my eyes to the kind of man I want in my life. For so long, I have known the things I didn't want in a relationship...or in a partner. When asked what I did want, I really couldn't even put my finger on it. The picture is becoming clearer to me...Now, I just need these things wrapped up in ONE man. For that, I am willing to wait. I'm ready for a little romance...I'm ready for someone to think I'm special...to want to be with me and me alone...in and out of the bedroom.

So I will be patient...I will work on putting myself on the list...and being happy with my choices. Even the tough ones. One day at a time...my heart mends, I become stronger...and life just gets better.