Those things that make me stronger.

Here I go...making those tough decisions. Oh, yeah, and following through as well.

The day I was to take our Lily to the shelter...was NOT an easy day. The kids spent the night before, severing their ties. They gave her some love...then moved on. That morning, when the ex dropped off the kids, he wouldn't even come in the house. Not a word, nothing at all...he just left. Fucking coward bastard...I'm sorry...I had to say it. This kind of shit is what really pisses me off about him. I thought to myself..."oh, how nice it would be to be you for a day. To just ignore what's happening and let someone else do it."

I put it off...putzed around...took my time. I was hoping to get a reprieve...something from somewhere letting me know I did NOT have to do it...or at the VERY least, did not have to do it alone. Nothing came. Eventually, I just grabbed the leash, and off we went. The car ride there wasn't bad...long, but not bad. I pulled into the parking lot...and my heart just sank.

Was I really doing this. Giving up on this little life...Really???

I walked in...as soon as the guy asked what I was there for...the tears started flowing. I could barely speak. I hate hate hate that I had to make this decision...HATE it! I put her in the cage, unhooked the leash, locked the door...told her I was sorry...and walked away. My heart was breaking. I sat in the car and cried for 5 mins before I could even pull out. I cried the whole way home.

It was not an easy thing to do. Every time I think about it, I realize that my reasons were NOT selfish, but truly heartfelt and compassionate. For me, for the kids, and for Lily. She needs more than I can give her...she is sweet and lovable and deserves it.

These moments...these decisions are the things that are making me a stronger person. These are the moments that make me realize, I have always been stronger than I give myself credit for. I am capable to making those decisions that seem impossible...and coming out of it standing on my own two feet. So it's ok for 'him' to just ignore it...That's HIS choice...

I take a deep breath.....cause I realize, I'm not done yet. There's not much time to relax into this decision, before it will be time to be strong again...