Making a decision...and Karma backs you up

What happens when you make a decision?? Life sends you curves...trying to test you, call your bluff. Sometimes, the opposite happens, sometimes life backs you up.

I had a wonderful weekend. I spent some time with people that fill me up...make me feel good and who's company I really enjoy. I took some time to enjoy their company and forget about the things I don't need to be worried about...or keep thinking about. I gave my brain a break. Friends...ah, they have a way of helping you, even when they don't know that's what they're doing.

I have said it before...sometimes fate has a way of doing for you the things you won't do for yourself. Or maybe, aren't strong enough...or maybe, just a little unsure.

Right now, at this moment...I feel really really good. I kept a promise to myself, followed through and it feels good.

Is there any room left in there?

Sometimes you forget how big your heart is...or how much it takes to fill it...Or maybe that it's even there, until you let someone in. I let someone in...just a little. I didn't give my heart away, didn't fall in love or anything like that. However, I did let them in, whether they know it or not, and now it hurts.

Not broken, not shattered into a million pieces...just hurt. What I realize is that I am alive....There really is some room in there. I haven't locked it...it hasn't turned to stone, I am alive and I have room in my heart for someone to love. As good as that feels...it's scary and painful too.

As a girl, I gave my heart away to everyone...Many many MANY times it was trampled or abused or mistreated and tossed back to me to repair all on my own. In an effort to NOT make the same mistake this time around...I've felt like I've been hoarding my heart....Almost purposely blocking myself from the possibility of someone getting in. Well, not really. I can't even pretend to myself that I've been doing that. I have put it out there...only to be disappointed. The difference is that it wasn't abused and returned. I opened it up, and healed it without the drama and heartache of the girl I once was.

I'm not going to pretend to be this "tough no feeling you can't hurt me cause I won't let you" chick...it's not me...can't do it...not even going to try. I'm also not going to be foolish either. Being smart, but open, is not easy. I don't want to miss the opportunity to let someone in completely...but I also don't want to be crushed. Damn, isn't this the lesson of a young girl? Not of a 40 year old woman??? Well, lessons are learned when we acknowledge there is room for the lesson. I'm ready!

It's official...at least for today

It's official...I'm am OFF the market! YES!!!

Not because I have found my soul mate...or Mr Wonderful...or even Stud for now. I am off the market cause I want something more...something better. Something REAL and GOOD.

I am a big believer in the Law of Attraction. I believe we draw to us people based on our attitude and how we live our life. For awhile now, I've been thinking about the people I've been spending my time with...

There is a saying about the people that come into your life...People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. People come into your life with purpose....Even if we WANT them to be there longer than they are, or for a different reason, they are there to fill a need in our lives...Once that need is met, they move on... Sometimes WE are the one's that need to move on. Either way, you need to let them go once they have served their purpose. That is not about being selfish, but being honest and pure about the relationship. If not, there can be resentment and anger. Certainly not intentionally...

For some time, I have know it was time to let some people go. People that I am sure saved me! People that I love...but that are now draining me. For a while, I have been fighting it...trying to keep a part of those relationships alive...when I could see that it was not healthy for any of us. I can feel the bitterness inside me. I don't want that....I want to keep the special part of our relationships, special. It's time to let go. Not easy, but necessary.

Today, it also became clear to me, the same holds true for my relationships with men. Too much flirting...Too many of them sniffing around...Just last week, I gave MY number to a guy I was attracted too. Not easy, but I was so proud of myself...He was interested...woo hoo. Win win. We made a date for that very weekend... Well, no date, he's back with his EX fiance. What??? Ugh, really??? A friend told me one time that men are more attracted to women who are unavailable... They don't really have to be taken or in a relationship, the just have to seem unavailable...It's a vibe we put off...We've all been there at some point, thinking to ourselves...NOW they're interested????

Well...I'm off the market. Done trying, done flirting (well not completely!) done with the guys who think I'm "hot" or sexy or really just want to get into my bed. DONE! I want more...I want something real. I want that guy who wants to be with me, talking about everything or nothing...wants to know everything about me...and wants to answer every question I ask about him. Of course I want to be totally attracted to him, and completely smitten. I want that...even if it's not for the rest of my life... but at least for more than a week or two. I want that, more than anything. So why am I not getting it? Well, maybe because of what I have filled my life with. I'm not living like I want...I'm settling for the crumbs, when the cake is still in the box.

I have made the decision to stop. I'm not settling for crumbs...The next guy that wants to be with me is gonna have to work hard for me to pay attention. I'm waiting for not only what I deserve...but for someone who deserves me... I'm gonna be greedy and particular. My life, my heart, my happiness...is my priority. I'm going to get there by taking myself off the market of quick and easy. Done, let go...move on.

You never know how strong you can be...

There is a quote, and I cannot find the author...but it goes "You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have."

I know that!

Right now, I have a few friends that are going through some very painful events. Each one of them is dealing with something completely different, and yet, they all suffer the same heart wrenching pain. Pain I know all too well. If I could just wrap them all up in my arms and make the pain stop I would....However, I know that sometimes it's going through the pain that in the end makes us even stronger. So, I sit back, and support them the best that I can.

I had someone tell me that making my bed was very "country girl" of me. I laughed out loud...There is not an inch of country girl in this chick...I am all Rock n' Roll... I told them it's really more about control. There have been many days I have felt powerless against my feelings, events or other people. There are days I can't seem to control anything...except that at the very least I made my bed. Just looking at it all put together brings me a sense of accomplishment and peace. Sounds rather simple...but there are days, it's all I have.

One of these friends, who I adore with all my heart, is in a place where he feels (at least it is the impression I get when he talks) that he is completely alone...no friends and I hate people is exactly what he said. He is damaged and hurting. What I hope to help him realize is that he is NOT alone, and he is no more broken that the rest of us...If there is nothing else, he has a friend in me...one who may not know exactly what he is going through, but definitely knows the pain.

Counting on people is something I learned a long time ago...you just can't do. I find that the only thing you can count on for sure...is that you can't count on anyone. Now, that is not to say I ever gave up hope...It's what kept me married for 17 years...the hope that one day I would be able to count on him to truly be there as my partner. Eventually, I realized that was not going to happen. For a while, I was bitter...can't count on my husband, can't count on my family, can't count on my friends...What the hell is the point! Then I realized...I CAN count on me.

For some people, its not that they don't want to be there to support you but they are so damaged themselves...or so consumed with the troubles in there own life, they just can't. Ok...I can accept that...So when one of my girlfriends told me that she was so grateful that I was there for her when she needed someone to talk to, even though she was not there for me when I needed it...I simply said, I would never turn my back on someone in need. I mean it, completely with all my heart. Coming through the darkness and feeling a bit of the sun on my future, I realize that I have only to give a little...to gain so much more.

We are all going through something...we have all been damaged by someone or something at some point in our lives. I have watched some people become bitter and live every day like a victim looking at life only through those eyes. What they see everyday, is how they are getting screwed...Well, you see what you are looking for. Why not look for something better? Is it really sooooo hard to stop looking for the crap that is wrong, and start looking for what is GOOD? Even if for today, it's as simple as a bed that is made. Some may say that it's 'easy' for me... Too that I can only say, Thank You. Not because it IS easy, but because I make it look easy. There are days, too many sometimes, that ever second of the day is a struggle... The difference between me and you, is simply that I refuse to wallow in that struggle.

Fake it till you make it. Put on a smile when all you want to do is cry. Go somewhere that FORCES you to get out of your pit of despair. This time of year offers many opportunities...if you are willing to look for the Joy. Yesterday was NOT so much a good day for me. I am really in quite the crappy mood...yelling at the kids....a little of self pity, poor me going on. What I did was something I had wanted to do for YEARS...I bought myself a pre lite Christmas tree. Once that tree was up, plugged in and decorated...I had an overwhelming sense of calm and peace. I did something I wanted to do...and I was reaping the rewards looking at a simple accomplishment.

Having a hard time finding something...Go to the zoo...check out any local Festival of Lights...Stay out of the malls...go somewhere alone or with someone that makes you feel good and find the joy that's out there. Or, simply make you bed or sit in front of your tree with some Christmas music...There is something, you just have to look for it.

This is the qote I have on my FaceBook profile...It's something I am sure to look at everyday just to keep me focused...

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

Getting the spirit back!

Here come the holidays...Ugh. Really, I am truly and honestly trying so hard to get into the spirit. I'm just not feeling it. My brain is a jumbled mess, I can't seem to focus on what needs to be done. I probably need to make list...probably need to just sit down for a minute and THINK. Grrr...

Made it through Halloween...Thanksgiving...and now I just need to tackle Christmas. This weekend we decorate. I'm going to do my best to throw my whole 'stuck in the mud' self into it. I'm going to put on all that crazy Christmas music....take out every single box of decorations we have. What I always loves most were the Christmas lights...so I'm going to light up my entire home...On the inside. I'm still not to crazy about doing the outside. Well, there is that one light up deer...that will make it, maybe.

What kills me the most about the way I'm feeling is that my kids are missing out a little. I love to get goofy and drag my loved one's in. Despite the fact that they protest...I know deep down, they count on it. As optimistic as I am...positive, outgoing...never let them see you cry...This is just killing me. Ugh. I tell myself on a daily basis to snap the fuck out of it already....

For a moment, I can even fool myself. Then I turn around and realize, I am more Scrooge than Little Timmy. I need to do something. This canNOT continue. I need to get that little bit of spirit back, so I can annoy my kids with it. I do not want them to miss out on a single special moment...cause I'm feeling sorry for myself. No way...not going to happen. Tomorrow...I am putting out ever single Christmas item I have....Yes, even the ugly stuff. Nothing like having something to laugh at...

Wish me luck...I have two days to infuse myself with the Christmas spirit. Then I have to work on Shopping...cards, gifts...ugh. Really dammit...I'm gonna running through town before you know it...Just like George Bailey...