Perfection...

One of my most favorite movies is Under The Tuscan Sun

The lead character finds herself divorced and miserable. During a trip to Italy, she buys a run down house and proceeds to fix it up. At one point, someone asks her what she wants...She proceeds to tell him that she wants someone too cook for, a wedding in her house and a family.

At the end of the movie...this same person who originally asked the question points out, that she got all that she had wished for...although it was NOT the way she had originally envisioned it. Instead of a partner to cook for, she cooked for the men working on her house who enjoyed every meal. Instead of her own wedding, she hosted a wedding for young couple who had fallen in love. Instead of her own children, she had the fortune of having her best friend and baby live with her. She had indeed gotten everything she had wished....just different.

When I had my son, we had chosen to have me stop working and stay home. Let me first say, I wouldn't trade a moment of it...best decision for everyone, however...I was OVERWHELMED. Not just a little... a LOT. I cried all the time, couldn't figure out how to do any of my day to day tasks to any degree of satisfaction for myself, or my husband. When I would complain to my mother about how hard it was, she would always remind me of how this is the life I always wanted. Well...not exactly. I would respond my telling her that the dream I had, was with a loving husband and beautiful well behaved children...and I would laugh.

It was NOT the dream, exactly how I had hoped...but it was what I wished for. Perfecting is what I was hoping for, real is what I got. Messy house, no matter how hard I tried to keep things clean and organized...Distant spouse, no matter how hard I tried to connect with him....Screaming children, no matter how much louder I was. I struggled...day in and day out. I was angry bitter depressed...I was a mess...THIS is not what I wanted.

My daughter is a handful...she talks a LOT, asks tons of questions...Always, "what if..." She makes me use my brain way more often than I like. Today, she said "when you were little, what did you wish for?" I looked at her, pointed and said "this! You and your brother are what I always wished for!" She smiles...then she says "did you wish you had the perfect daughter who looked more like you?" I laughed and told her "nope, never wanted perfect, just wanted you the way you are." Then she said..."well I think you are the perfect mother." Ugh, she gets me, every time.

I'm not perfect, my kids aren't perfect...my life, well it is FAR FAR from perfect. It's not what I had envisioned my life would be. HOWEVER...I am happy, my kids are happy beautiful and smart....They love me just the way I am...and I love them just the way they are!

I tell people all the time...put into the world what your heart desires...but know, it may not come in the wrapping you imagine. It's a lesson I have embraced, but admit sometimes I slip. Sometimes I'm really looking for it to be in exactly the package I envisioned...but then I realize that maybe it is in exactly the package I need at that moment.

Don't be afraid to really open yourself up to what you desire...send it out there. Wish for it on the first star, your eyelashes and that lucky penny. Just stop expecting it to look like what you think...cause you don't want to miss out on something precious to you.

Yesterday, for the first time, I heard Pink's song Fuckin' Perfect. How on earth this song took so long to reach me is beyond my comprehension...Maybe it came at a time when I needed to hear it. I'm posting the lyrics to it....then go listen to the song. I don't know how she did it...but I think she wrote this song just for me...to give to a friend of mine who is hurting. I'm grateful...and I hope you carry the message through to yourself, and your loved one's...cause I think you're fucking perfect!

Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
Look, I'm still around

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me!

You're so mean, when you talk

About yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred...such a tired game
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same

Oh, pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing

You're fuckin' perfect to me

The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They dont like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that?

Why do I do that..?

Yeah, oh, oh baby, pretty baby..!
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me
You're perfect, you're perfect!
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me...