Somewhere in the middle....

I find myself somewhere in the middle of peace and chaos. Fortunately leaning more on the side of peace...but not quite tipping all the way.

What gets me is this need to multi task. Still...ugh. Never focusing on one thing...always dealing with several things at once and usually getting nothing fully accomplished. Now, I've been thinking that maybe it's a bit of a coping mechanism, but I think it's more about fear. Funny thing is, I'm not really sure what I'm afraid of. You hear the line "Fear of failure..." I'm more a fear of success kind of person. Mostly I think it comes from being told, pretty much my whole life, that I just wasn't going to be successful at anything. Of course it was never that direct...it was more sugar coated, but the meaning was never lost on me.

For years growing up I really really struggled with that. Now, as an adult, I still see it creeping in. Even when I see myself succeeding, I still think that in the end I will fail. What is funny, is that it doesn't usually stop me from trying, but there are times the thoughts of failure become all consuming. It's frustrating and debilitating....I hate it! There are so many times I feel like I get gets sucked in, and I just can't seem to stop it.

Problem is I see myself succeeding...in just about every aspect of my life. I see it, I hear it from other people (of course not the people I would LIKE to hear it from) and when I stop for a minute, I feel it. So what am I afraid of? Who knows...thankfully, I can laugh at myself. So, somewhere in the middle of peace and chaos....that's where you'll find me. Laughing mostly, crying from time to time...doing my best NOT to struggle...but flow with my life and my choices and the crazy silly mixed up shit that comes my way.

I'm being real...only sometimes that real is unclear.