What did I just say??

Oh my...so many things happening all at once. I have so much to say, and find myself all to often afraid to really express myself. Then I shift quickly back to reminding myself that this 'new' journey is about being completely authentic...so just go for it.'

ugh...

What emotions do I really want to give attention to...What emotions do I need to accept and move through? What parts do I truly think sharing will make a difference? What things do I think should remain truly private?

I started blogging about my divorce and my life as it has become, because I think in my journey, there might be lessons for other people going through, or thinking of going through this. It's not all about being selfish and self centered and looking to get acknowledgement for myself. It is about expression and putting out into the Universe that may come to help someone else, or come back to help me even more.

This has been a whirlwind week...On Saturday I celebrated my 41st birthday with friends...more showed up than I ever expected and I feel so blessed to have had an opportunity to open myself up to let in more love into my life. Monday was my actual birthday, 41, wow. Tuesday I got sick, Wednesday I realized it was probably the flu...Thursday I barely left the bed. Thursday was also the 1 year anniversary of my divorce. Today, I've left work early because this sickness hasn't quite finished with me yet, and I can neither sleep or be active...ugh.

I've been talking with a friend of mine about 'relationships'. We discuss our mental attitude about where we are at, how we feel about the men that come into our lives, and what we want from these men. I keep waining back and forth from the girl who just wants to have fun, to the woman who desires something more solid. Our last conversation I told her that basically, I would like to meet someone who wants to spend just a little more time with me, so I can get out of this whole "dating" thing for just a little while. Basically, I want to stop thinking about it...but I don't want to be alone either.

Times of quiet reflection (whether intentional or forced) find me thinking that I will probably have to just take myself out of the game. For whatever reason, I'm not happy with the current state of my romantic life, and I feel the only way to really change that is to take a serious step back and regroup. As nice as it would be to do that with a handsome suitor by my side...I am beginning to realize it will have to be all on my own.

I need to start thinking more about myself...my kids...my life. Focus has always been a problem with me...always too much on my mind and too much clutter...Before the divorce it was filled with how to make someone else happy, now it's how to fit everything in and still get the love and attention I've been missing all these years. Well, honey, I figured out it just don't work like that. Now I'm finding my mind and energy shifting again. I'm tired of going through week by week coming out just the same in the end. I think I'm shifting into a more mature way of thinking and it's becoming apparent that I need to stop thinking about what I'm missing, and focus on what I have. Good friends, good kids, good life. When I can be in tune with all of that, maybe then I can open myself up to let in a little more...like a companion...or dare I say, lover. Well...in due time.

For now...I take some baby steps. New year, new focus. I made it through in one piece with the aid of some wonderful friends and family to support me. This next year will be even better!