My emotions are on overload....

Ok...true, it's "that" time of month for me....However, I am not usually this emotional. I can't stand it...it's exhausting. There has not been a day in the last week I haven't been on the verge of tears...just waiting for someone or something to tip me over the edge. Ugh...double ugh...give me a shot of tequila and a Valium ugh...

So, I'm going to come clean about something....Something I not truly sure how to explain my own feelings about...but here I go to give it a try.

If you had been reading this from at least the beginning of my divorce posts, you would know that by the advice of my counselor, I joined an online dating site. His advice was that I needed to learn about men, break my pattern...get to know men, lots of them. So, I did it...and for the most part I think it sucks. Yeah yeah, I know, it's all different for everyone...but for me it absolutely sucks.

Yes, there were one or two guys I met, that really have a special place in my heart. Taught me some good honest lessons about myself...I've become much stronger...I've learned to be open, honest and just be myself. For that, I am grateful. What has it gotten me in the way of "love"...oh hell, even a little companionship....NOTHING. A big fat ZERO.

I sit here this evening...heartbroken a bit. I've spent the last several weeks cultivating a special connection with a man I really grew to like. He was broken, widowed...had just a bit to much heartbreak in his life. It was the first true mature conversations I've had in a long time. I looked forward to his messages...and he said he did mine. Then, something happened. WE planned to meet up, he had to work later...and that was the last I heard from him. I know he is alive...I've seen evidence. However, I have also seen evidence that he no longer cares to meet me, or chat with me. Why?

This is the question I keep ending up with...How do you have a great connection with someone, and the next day they just disappear. Of course, my counselor tells me, it's not me, don't take it personally...just shrug my shoulders and move on. GREAT...to the next fucking blow off....How many can a girl take before she gives up all together???

Intellectually...and maybe a little spiritually...I know I need to be in a place where I am completely content with being alone. It is there that my true companion with find me. Problem for me is....I am lonely. Sort of. I miss intimacy...I miss making love...I miss just holding hands and kissing a special someone that makes you're heart beat just a little faster. I lived without all of those things for such a long time in my marriage...I can feel myself becoming afraid that I will never have it....I am sure, that is blocking me.

No matter how much I tell myself to just let it be...just stop looking...Let it come to YOU. I find myself in these quiet moments of panic, and I dive right back in, looking for some validation...and ending up empty all over again. I'm super fucking tired of that empty feeling...the one I have right now. What is it that I need to do to get over this block of mine???? Help me please...ugh. I deleted my online dating account. I'm tired...tired of the creepy guys with the creepy messages...They young boys looking to fulfil some cougar fantasy...The old guys trying to prove they still got it. I'm tired of it all.

Oh, and I'm tired of crying...REALLY this has been too much for one week. Especially for your average ordinary week. I'm hoping when mother nature is done messing with my hormones, the tears and lost feeling will stop. I'm am really really hoping...cause I feel like packing my bags, hoping a bus and getting the hell out of this god forsaken town...But I'm pretty sure the kids would miss me.