Finding little moments of Peace and Joy

I do not like spending a lot of time giving attention to all the bad things that are going on in my life right now. However, I do believe I need to acknowledge what I am going through or else the pain of what is happening now will rear it's ugly head somewhere down the road, when I least expect it.

Right now, I am trying to grasp onto little bits of peace and joy in each and every day. Sometimes I can even escape the aches of my situation and become absorbed into a moment that is by simple definition...happy. It doesn't always last long though. This week has been difficult, to say the least. Not only were the kids off all week, but the Hubs took the week off as well. His intention, so he told me, was to work on those little projects around the house that he has put off...like patching the holes where the curtain rod was moved. He didn't do any of that sort of thing. He did put the Christmas lights up, and the tree...

There is no room for me to tell him what to do. Either he doesn't care, or doesn't WANT to care, so he blows me off. When he's home, he's on his computer looking at real estate, I think. He's on his computer all the time now. I filled two boxes of his stuff from the basement in an effort to clean up, and maybe motivate him to go through some things...My efforts went unacknowledged. If he's not on his computer, he's off "looking" at houses...neighborhoods. I think. That's what he says...but who knows. (wasn't long after I posted this, he decided to work on one of his projects. it's a start)

I have just been trying to let everyone do what they need to do. I let my daughter rearrange the front room. The layout is a little unappealing...I don't think it would win praise from any decorators...but she likes it...and that's all that matters to me. I let the kids decorate the tree...part of me, just isn't into it...All the decorations we've collected throughout the years...Knowing when we take the tree down, we'll be separating them into Mom and Dad boxes. All the things that you've just grown accustom to seeing year after year...some of them will be gone. Sometimes it's just a little bit overwhelming when I sit thinking about it for too long. I try not to do that very often...at times, it kinda takes me by surprise.

All that being said, I am still finding myself smiling...or laughing, at life. Putting on my iPod, listening to MY favorite music, busting out into song, unable to hear the cries of protest...Love those moments...Saying 'Yes' to a friends invitation to go out and enjoy a little night life. It's so much fun spending time with people who genuinely enjoy being with you...Who laugh with you, and give you a much needed break from the drama. Or chatting with an old friend...catching up on the years you've been apart. Enjoying and being present in those very moments is so very uplifting, and a bit of much needed therapy.

The poem at the top of this page sums up pretty much how I feel. There is no lack of trouble, or noise, or hard work happening right now...yet, I am able to find small moment of peace, and that has been a great source of comfort. Without those moments, I would be a mess...Without those moments I would not be able to stay strong, not only for myself, but for my children, and my husband as well. My hope, is that those moments begin to out number the pain and the fear. In time, I know they will, and for that I find joy.

Trust

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Let me just say, I still can't really wrap my head around what is going on in my life...I am still having a hard time really accepting that I am getting a divorce and soon, my life will be very different. Part of the breakdown of my marriage has to do with trust. He has admitted to the fact that the lack of trust he has for me has more to do with fear, than with actual proof. Unfortunately, that fear is too strong for him to let go...and so it comes out in nearly every interaction between the two of us.

It's spilling into the divorce...and it's making me crazy. We have discussed things and I believed we were on the same page with everything. Unfortunately, there are some things that he still has issues with...things he still believes I have done, and I think that sometimes makes it hard for him to believe that I really working for the best of both of us. Doing things, is what I do...I take care of things...I believe I have proved myself...I think that I deserve trust, I think after 17 years, I've earned it.

In Illinois, we are not allowed to file a No fault divorce. There HAS to be a reason...If not, you are required up to two years separation before the court will grant you the divorce. Ugh. I get it...they don't want to make it easy for people...something about it costing the state more money. I'm not really sure I believe that...I mean, unhappy people can fall victim to a lot of problems like depression, drug or alcohol abuse, physical abuse...Doesn't that cost money too. Anyway, back to the reason...Our only option, to stay out of months of forced separation, was to site Extreme mental abuse. When I read it, my hear sank...It's not exactly 100% true...but still, it's as close to WHY we are getting a divorce as you can get, and still please the courts.

He was served his papers yesterday...He's not happy. He said it would have been nice to give him a heads up, and he is right. I should have...I was wrong. This is tough. True to character he keeps throwing his forever famous phrase "you need to understand how I feel". He's having a hard time, He's the one who is losing the most, He's the one who has to do the most. I need to understand what it's like for him...Ok, fine.

We don't have anything to fight over. The marriage is over, there is no debt, not huge assets, no problem sharing custody of the kids. We have discussed and worked out what we want, need, and have come to an understanding...BUT, he doesn't want to trust me. He wants to hang on to that small part of doubt and fear that keeps him from trusting me. It hurts. A lot. I think I've proven myself time and time again...I think I deserve more than this. I'm doing the best that I can...trying to hang on, keep myself on my feet. Just because I don't ask for understanding, or don't ask for trust, doesn't mean that I don't want it...don't need it too.

There is absolutely nothing I can do to make him trust me more. Nothing. I know that. There is just that part of me that wishes that the 17 years of faithful marriage, being there, getting things done, would be enough for him to trust me now. It's not, I get that, and I have to accept that. That does not make it any easier...

Love and Passion and Sex

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Do you think passion is important in a relationship? I do. It seems as though there are a lot of people who think that there is no room for passion in a marriage. I think, without it, you are doomed to live a life less full...less happy...

When you first meet someone you are attracted to...there is a lot of heat. You're heart races, your temperature goes up a little (sometimes a lot) your body reacts to just the thought of that person. Ooohhh that is a good feeling...you can't wait to be with them...see them...talk to them. When you are together, you want to touch them, kiss them...make love to them. Passion...sex...heat!

Why do we allow life...to get in the way of that. When we are in the throws of a passionate relationship, we are happier...When you are happier, you are a nicer person, you are a better worker, you are a better parent, friend...lover, leading to more passion. Win win!!! Right?? So why do so many couples sacrifice that passion for "Life".

Is sex less important when you've been married 5 years? 10 years? 20 years? Now I know, there are a lot of people who don't think sex is important...I personally don't get it...but I don't judge either. I know that lacking in passion...and subsequently sex...was a huge problem in my marriage...I yearned for it...My ideas of sex and passion, were not necessarily the same as my husbands. I'm not going to try to explain what I think he thought...I'm only going to discuss MY thoughts on it.

There's a lot of married couples out there NOT having sex. Why not? What excuse are you using to not be passionate with your partner? Obviously (for most of us) there was a time you couldn't keep your hands off each other...right? Do you think about it? Do you want more of it? Do you do anything to make it happen...do you give your partner what they need, to light that fire in them? Do you just throw your hands in the air and say "oh well...that's life". We have different schedules, it's the kids, it's the job, they aren't interested....Whatever. Did you ask? Did you ever think that if YOU were thinking about sex this much, that maybe THEY were too...

I made a comment one time about injuring myself during sex to a few of my married friends. One of the said, we'll it's nice to know someones doing it...Wow, she obviously misses it. I think allot of people do. I just think a lot of those people are resigned to just accepting that they aren't going to get it, and resort to self satisfaction...or fantasy. Not that there is anything wrong with that...but it does not take the place of being WITH a person...completely.

How do you think your life would improve if you injected a little Passion into it?? Satisfy that burning desire you have inside of you that you keep denying...keep pushing back down. Life without passion is not a complete life...We need it...most of us crave it. Sometimes we don't want to admit that sex is what we desire...sometimes we think that we are better because we don't think about it, or make it a priority. I say bullhocky.

Whether you are married or single, you NEED to inject a little (or a lot) of passion into your life...Take a lover into your arms and feel the heat between you...the electricity that you generate...That little fantasy you have swirling inside your head...ACT ON IT!! Stop denying your desire to be touched...to be explored...to be taken. Stop wondering what it would be like to have your lovers body in your hands...Stop imagining your lovers lips on yours, put that image into action...I KNOW you will feel better...I know you will feel a sense of release...Your whole body will thank you...Your lover will thank you...Your friends and family will thank you...your co-workers will thank you.

Staying on the Right Path

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Someone made a comment to me the other day about me being very negative. Now, I believe this was not intended to be an overall assessment, but it did strike a nerve, and it shouldn't have. First off, this person has very limited interaction with me...Second, this person has issues of his own to deal with. However, it has resonated with me...so I am starting to take a clear look at how I am projecting myself onto the world.

I have had a lot on my mind lately. Given my situation, I guess that's pretty understandable. Some of the things are about the past...some about the present....and some about the future. For the first time in 18 years, I really don't have a clear picture of where I am supposed to go...only a general sense of what I Hope to achieve.

If you know me...really spend some quality time with me, you will find I am a generally happy positive person. My life has been filled with plenty of mental abuse, and a little physical too. I tend to forgive, move on, and let go of grudges, I don't always forget, but I don't cling to either. I have been able to forgive a lot of injustice in my life...and I am a happier person because of it. How? I take the abuse, the argument, the hurt or the anger...I feel it, I process it...then I find the lesson in what has happened, forgive the other person for being unable to understand their own troubles, forgive myself if need be...then I begin to feel hope that everything is going to be ok. I'm going to admit, that isn't the best description of my actual process...I think it is my inexperience as a real writer...a person who is truly capable of real expression through words. Bottom line, I just get over it.

The reason I am in the process of divorce, is because I just couldn't get back to believing that everything was going to be ok. One day (and yes it happened one day) I just snapped. A cloud came over me and my situation with my husband, and I just did NOT come out of it. Counseling, I thought, was going to do for me, what I was no longer able to do for myself. After months of counseling, I just wasn't getting back to that happy place...I just didn't feel like things were going to be ok...that WE were going to be ok. At first it was devastating...Why couldn't I get there??? What was I going to do?? I had to get back there, had to forgive, had to have hope!!!

Everybody deals with hardships or adversity in different ways. There was a time I took all the blame for everyone else's pain. If you told me it was my fault, I believed you, and did whatever I could to make up for it. Part of me was just accepting of what everyone else was telling me...the other part was agonizing over why I was the one who was always at fault. How could I be such a horrible person...Something happened one day with my mother, something rather small and insignificant, that finally opened my eyes to the fact that it really wasn't always me.

After that I became defiant and challenging...Every word every situation I reacted to. Ha, you won't get to blame me anymore...I'm not taking it. For those close to me, it was disturbing...I was not longer the same person. What a bitch! Instead of being recognized for no longer being everyone's punching bag, I become just like those people who never took responsibility for their own actions...who always looked to blame others.

I became depressed...went into counseling...Became empowered. I started to follow a different path...A path that lead me into a life of forgiveness, acceptance and peace. No longer was I taking the burden of your pain, but no longer was I going to blame you for not being able to take it on yourself...It's a much nicer way to live. The only trouble is, when you are the only one around living like that...

Back to that comment...I do NOT believe I have been negative lately. For the most part, I have been extremely positive about the whole path my life it on right now. I do believe that comment was part their own problems...but I also believe it was a warning to me to watch the way my thoughts are moving. I believe that I need to be more conscience of what I am thinking, not just what I am saying. This was a subtle nudge, focus on the right path...I am in control of where I am heading...YOU cannot lead me where I do not want to go.

Unable to Focus

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On Wednesday I wrote my post about the tears being unable to flow...although I could feel them. Well, they started to flow...and flow...and flow...For Hours!! I cried for no less than 3 hours. Man...I took a shower. Didn't feel any better. I took a nap. Didn't feel any better.

It really sucks. REALLY SUCKS. And then...

Without warning...without so much as a noticeable trigger...I snapped out of it. Somewhere in my gloomy little brain I decided I was done with the gloom. One moment I was feeling like a sack of gloom and doom, and the next I was Joyous. Wow...THAT felt good. I don't know why...I don't know how. Then all of the sudden good things started happening for me...Little things that encouraged more and more joyous feelings.

The next day, I woke up feeling good still. Had a light feeling...and it was so warm and welcoming. It has been so hard being sad, for what feels like, all the time. I am usually very positive, very happy...bright side, 1/2 full, silver lining...kind of gal I am. This "thing" that is going on in my life has just rocked my freaking world...Like I have never known.

I'm not sure how to exactly describe my feelings. I have been unhappy in my marriage for a very very very long time. Instead of truly addressing my unhappiness, I buried it. Who the hell was I to expect more joy, more affection, more anything. Really...EVERYONE knows how freaking lucky I am...Everything comes so easyto me...I have everything that you could want. Who are YOU to complain??

I tried not too. I tried to push down my thoughts, my desired, my needs...push them down and see the joy of what I did have. Yes, I was very lucky. Unfortunately, not everything was exactly what it seemed to be...You can see one single moment, and make a total and complete judgement on someone, and there life. I didn't have a special BFF to be all open and honest with. I was tired of hearing how lucky I was...how everyone else had it so freaking bad. Boo Hoo...If you only knew.

Today, I realized, that I have been having a hard time focusing on anything. I try to blog stalk my favorite blogs...but I can't seem to focus on the whole post...my eyes start to hurt, my brain starts to wander...I try to bring myself back in...but I just can't seem to. The other day, I was all ready to get moving on some little projects around the house...and I was good for about an hour, then I lost focus...my brain hurt...then I couldn't remember what I was trying to accomplish.

Last night, I had a nice little chat with an old friend of mine. I was feeling really good...I feel asleep and woke up at 3am...WIDE AWAKE. I couldn't stop my brain from racing. I laid there till my alarm went off at 5:30 trying to will myself back to sleep...Nothing was working, I could just not shut off my brain. Instead of doing what I should have, blogging or journaling...I tried to fight it. It's 5:35pm, and I can't believe I'm still awake.

Yesterday, for the most part, was a great day. I cleared out my grams buffet, and moved the napkins to it...Don't know what else I'm going to put in it, but I was happy to do that. I cleared up the front room...and then got a call for lunch. Yeah, good friend, good food, good conversation...I was feeling good. I was riding that good feeling all day long...until 3 am. Today, I've been back and forth. I made a hair appointment, then forgot...I got a call from a customer, told her I would be there before lunch...remembered the hair appointment 15 mins before I was to be there...ran out...did NOT call the customer. I was embarrassed when SHE called me...What was I really doing at that moment??? Eating lunch and working on my FB cafe...I am fucked up.

The next week will be stressful...Not only will my kids be off all week, but the hubs will be home too. He has 23 days of vacation left, and he has to use 13 before the end of the year, or he loses them completely. This vacation thing has been a LONG time problem with him. Do you know anyone who really doesn't use vacation??? He's the "only" one who can do this or that. Ugh, whatever dude. The night he told me, I told him that I hoped he wouldn't do that anymore...use his days to spend with the kids. He immediately went into the "you don't understand. I'm the only one who can..." I looked at him, made a box shape in the air with my fingers and said "there is that little narcissistic person again"...He got pissy..walked out, came back seconds later smiling, "I hate it when your right". Sometimes, I do too.

Focus...What I know for sure. There are many things to do around here. We are going to have Thanksgiving dinner here at home...because the hubs doesn't want to be around his family...to weird. He and I are on different paths. He is focused on what he needs to be focused on...I am focused on everything else...and nothing else...ugh.

Could someone come and make me a list?? Something with a little more than Get up, move forward, get through the day...repeat.

I have to wear my glasses more often too...WTF is up with that?? My son says I look smarter with my glasses...Offended or flattered?

I lost 12 lbs in 3 weeks. The last two weeks I put on .4#'s and then lost .4#'s. Really? My jeans are getting baggy...I don't have any jeans in the next size down. Do I buy new ones, or do I wait until I am down to the NEXT size??

Somebody for FB has been visiting my blog...I wish they would say something!

Balancing

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I feel like I'm trying to balance my emotions from one moment to the next. I spent the first 10 days or so, crying all the time...Doing whatever it took to not cry in front of the kids. They need to see I'm hurting...that this situation isn't and easy fix...but they do not need to see me lose it. Sometimes, it's a full body, ugly cry. I'm getting better...but then again, things have only just begun. Today, I want to cry. Problem is, I'm not really sure what exactly I'm hurting for.

Last night my husband came up to talk. He's uncomfortable, and doesn't know how to talk to me. I tried to explain that nothing much should change about the way we talk to each other...We have been living like friends, or roommates, with the occasional request for sex, for years...So, the only thing that should really be different, is the sex request. Right? Maybe I'm oversimplifying...Maybe I'm just trying to detach myself from the last 17 years of my life. I don't really have a definitive answer...I just know that I don't really think it should be that difficult. If we were talking about dating...THAT would be uncomfortable.

He's angry. Not at me, but at what happened. He's frustrated that I seem to be moving forward a lot easier that he is. For me, making the decision, was something that was a long time coming. For me, it was a relief. Unfortunately, for him, he had finally come to the decision to do what ever he need to make it work. Bad timing...I am confident I am making the right decision. I am standing tall and standing firm...although it feels like I'm just balancing on shaky ground. Surely that will ease up a bit.

His concerns for the future...his worries, are NOT mine. There are things he would like me to do, or maybe say, to make him feel better...I can't. That's not my job anymore. I know everything will be ok...I know it. I am doing what I need to do to move ahead, to stay strong, to keep my kids on the right track. That is enough for now. I cannot, and do not want to take on his fears. But...I sympathize...should I try to make him feel better??? If I do, how will he ever learn to rely on himself....to gain some faith, and practice patience and acceptance.

Balance....

There are moments though...I think how nice it would be to have a distraction. Something or someone who could take me out of this, even for just a moment...I will admit, that the desire to have a lover...someone to turn to...to step out of this frustration and into some peace and pleasure...has been something that has crossed my mind on more than one occasion. Unfortunately or fortunately there is no one. Fate is forcing me to face my situation without distraction. I can only hope that by doing so, I will be open to a much more gratifying relationship in the future. That which does not kill us makes us stronger. I have no choice but to come out of this stronger...with the satisfaction of knowing I did it on my own (as it were) with my head held high.

Today I wondered...is it better to just let the tear flow...or hold them back. Is there any benefit to following either path...I feel the tears are there, and yet, they don't flow freely...Does this mean that I am getting stronger, or am I denying myself the grief. What exactly am I grieving? Where do I focus? What do I need to let go of first? What do I need to hang on to? If I fall...what happens?

Balancing...

It's all a little strange

What a crazy life I lead. Things around the house are a bit strange, and I think that's a bit of an understatement. Relations with my husband are civil, but strained. He doesn't really want to talk to me...and I really don't want to be in a room with him, pretending things are ok. It's not like I just want him out, but then sometimes it seems like it would be better.

There are so many things that are going to happen...and right now, NOTHING is happening. It's like living in perpetual limbo...no moving forward, no moving back...just bouncing around right now. Every day I look for a job...and every day he looks for a home. Other than that, our days are pretty much the same as they were before this whole thing started.

I'm trying to be true to myself...The counselor told us to treat each other like friends. That works for me...I mean, I don't have to get upset cause what I'm doing doesn't make him happy...That's not my concern anymore. I went out on Friday, had a good time, drank too much...Went out again on Saturday, no drinking this time. I reconnected with a friend I haven't seen in 25 years!! It was so nice...we had a blast chatting and catching up. I hope to STAY connected, I think we are so much alike...and I need a little of that.

I don't know what's the next step. Still waiting to hear from the lawyer...no papers have been served yet. No interviews yet. No alternate living arrangements found. This coming week, I have nothing to do...Well, at least there's nothing on the calendar. I'm going to have to start doing things around the house that I've been putting off. Things to sell, things to purge, things to pack. He's not doing it...and I can no longer put it off just because I think he should.

My life is changing...Some times I am scared shitless...Really...I can't breath thinking what is coming up, what's going to happen. I've never ever been on my own...Then, I feel an absolute sense of peace and calm. There is something that comes over me that convinces me that everything is going to be ok...I can feel it in every part of my body. Those moments keep me going...even when I think things are sinking.

I'm ready for some action...Something...of course, there is that saying "be careful what you wish for...you just might get it." I'm ok with that, cause I know, it's only going to get better, and out of this, I will become stronger.